there are so many things that i want to say but i am not sure i will write it in a way that shows what i am feeling but here it goes.
a year ago i had a newborn.
he was beautiful but so much work
i was in a bad place a year ago
i prayed and prayed that something would change.
i had 3 beautiful children who needed a mother
but all they got was a exhausted woman who was lost.
i didn't know where i was going or how i even got where i was.
there were days that i just couldn't function
all i wanted was to pull the covers over my head, ignore the crying and just sleep.
i was surrounded by people who loved me but i still felt so alone.
i was suffocating in my life.
i couldn't breathe
just the little things would cause me to have a panic attack.
i remember my worst day.....
the house was disgusting, nothing was clean.
nothing was made for dinner.
all three of my children were crying for some reason or another.
Neal had another long day a school.
i just broke down.
i cried and cried.
i prayed that i could just go back to bed for a month.
i didn't understand what i was doing wrong.
why i wasn't happy like all those other moms.
why i couldn't look at my children without feeling sad.
i look back on those days and wonder how i did it.
how i made it through the crying and stress.
but i know i was not alone.
my savior was there the whole time.
He couldn't take away my trials or my depression
but he could stand by me and hold me up.
when i felt like giving up
He would just give me strength to make it to bedtime.
now looking back, i would not go back to that place
but i am truly grateful for that experience.
i am stronger.
I still have days where i feel like i am drowning in my responsibilities
where i don't think i can make it one more day.
but i know i can do it.
i survived.
what i have learned this past year:
1 . my house will be messy.
5 people live in this tiny apartment.
i am not superwoman.
the floor is not always going to mopped.
clothes are not always going to be put away.
bathrooms will rarely get clean
it is okay. It really is okay.
2. my kids will fight, cry, scream, whine, cry, and fight some more.
it will happen.
i will feel like running into my room and locking the door.
they are not going to always be perfect angels.
3. there will be days i want to quit.
when i don't want to make one more dinner.
when i can't think anymore.
when being a mom sounds like the worst job in the world.
Family time only make me cringe
it is okay.
4. i am not perfect.
that is okay.
i am not always dressed cute, my hair is rarely fixed
i wear sweats and have food stains on my clothes.
who cares.
i am beautiful no matter what. :)
Learning these things has taking me a long time and i am still trying to figure them out. I am still trying not to feel panicky when my kitchen is not clean. Not to feel claustrophobic when the clothes are not put away.
What gets me through those hard days is the memories of the good days.
When i see, not with my eyes, what is most important in this life.
When I know why Families are apart of the Plan Of Happiness.
That is what gets me through the bad days.
I know i am not alone.
My savior is always there, walking beside me.
I don't always see it
But i am always grateful.
To all you moms out there who feel like i do,
He won't always take away our trials but he will walk with us.
and when you feel like you can't go on one more minute he will give you the strength.
{it is amazing what a year can do}
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