when i just had jacob i thought being a mom was the most wonderful, amazing and awesome thing in the world...... now with three i am thankful that i feel this way maybe once a week..... does that make me a bad mom? i remember thinking how much i loved all the amazing things jacob did, how amazing it was to be a mom and how it really was easy. but now i barely have time to focus on what my other kids are doing.... and that makes me sad. it is really hard to divide your time between 3 kids, your husband, the house and church. i feel like i am trying to do all these things at one time and driving myself crazy! and i am really not sure how to fix it. there are days when i feel like suzie is gone and replaced by crazy, stressed, tired "mom" Where did suzie go i wonder?
here is where she went
she went CRAZY! no wonder too she has 3 kids! and before you can say poor Suzie we have to remember she did it to herself..... she wanted these three kids more then anything and now that they are here she wonders if they could all fit right back in her uterus for maybe a day so she could just sleep! She barely has time to take a shower..... she starts feels bad for the people that have to smell her after she has not taken a shower for a few days but then remembers that she never goes any where and only her kids smell her. so who cares.
this is really how her day goes!
1. she grudgingly wakes up...... and she tired because all 3 of her kids somehow end up in the room with her during the night, and she would love to be knocked out for another 12 hours or so.
2. she listens to her kids laugh and scream in their room as they pull out every toy they own and throw them around the room
3. she goes downstairs to her messy kitchen and says to herself that she should make breakfast and instead pours cereal in a bowl and gives it to them as they sit on the couch watching tv.
4. she listens to them fight over what they are going to watch on tv.
5. She fights with her kids as they get dressed because they do not like what she picks out for them to wear
6. she looks around at her mess of a house and says she really should clean it and then she doesn't
7. she fights with her kids to take a nap
8. she then wakes up thinking that the nap was way too short.
9. she continues to feel guilty that her kids are watching way too much tv.
10. she hurry's and cleans the house and makes dinner before neal gets home so he thinks that she did something during the day.
11. she fights with her kids to eat their dinner
12. she tries not to get mad when they are making a mess in the bathroom while they are taking their bath.
13. she enjoys the calm that comes after family prayer and they are in bed.....
14 . then she gets upset that the calm did not last very long and trys to be patient while they are upstairs laughing and messing around when they should be sleeping. she should be glad they like to play with each other right?
15. she does not realize how tired she is until she lays in bed.
16. then she starts all over again.
now i know that sam is only 2 1/2 months old and i should cut myself some slack but i feel like because of all this social networking all we see is what people tell or show us and i compare myself to it and i come up being the worst mom ever. i mean who wants to tell someone that they made their kids pancakes 3 nights in a row because they were to lazy to cook and who wants to tell people that they let their kids wear the same pajamas to bed that they wore all day and the day before? who is going to say on facebook that they "really really HATE being a mom today!" nobody that's who. i compare myself to all those mothers out there who say they love their kids and their husband is perfect and they just made this or cooked that........ and maybe it is real and that is really their life but it is not mine and i hate feeling like i am the one person who is off. there are times when i am feeling really good about myself and they way my life is going and the mother i am and then i get on facebook or read someones blog and i start feeling depressed....... i start feeling like i have to change who i am, change what kind of mom i am, how i feed my children, how i dress them and myself. i have to change how i think...... i know this is Satan's way at getting to me..... making me doubt my abilities as a mother through Facebook and blogs..... and some days he does pretty darn good. i know all this and yet i still have to look!
maybe i am going through some postpartum depression and maybe i will feel better in a couple months but i hate feeling guilty because i don't feel the same way i did when it was just Jacob and me..... oh the days of just having one. i don't have any answers i am just being honest with how i feel. i am not perfect and my life is a mess, there are days when i think doing anything else but being a mom sounds wonderful...... i feel under appreciated, i mean who has heard a 2 or 4 year old say "thanks mom for cleaning my clothes and making my dinners and giving me a bath...." if your kid does you are doing way better then me.
I hear
"mom i WANT that"
"Jacob is hitting me"
"AHHHHHHH"
"no i dont want to go to bed"
"that is yucky mom" as he looks at the dinner i made
"NOOOOOOO"
"why?"
"why?"
"why?"
"why?"
I really love my kids and i am so grateful for them. I feel proud when they do something good, like i am doing something right. I know this is what i need to do right now but that doesn't make it easy and it doesn't mean i like it all the time. I am sorry this is jumbled it just helps me to write down my feelings..... if it makes sense to you and you can relate awesome! you are not alone! :)
Oh Suzie! I can definitely relate. I find myself holding Thayne and thinking about when I just had Landon. It was so easy and now it is so hard. Sometimes I secretly wish Thayne was my only one, but then I feel guilty for that. I really do love them all, but it is SO HARD! I am literally insane most of the time. I just try to remind myself how much I really love them and that it really is great sometimes and that that is why I do it the rest of the time. Love you!
ReplyDeleteSuzie! Hang in there!!! YOU REALLY ARE AMAZING! Heavenly Father knows all. Give him your stress, and He will give you His peace. Keep doing all you can. You wont regret it. Something i've struggled with is realizing I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE HAPPY! My dishes don't have to be done, my house doesn't need to be clean, and it doesn't matter what someone else thinks (or is doing "better"), because i'm ME. Heavenly Father loves ME differently then my "perfect" friend, because i'm in a different spot entirely. And i'm doing the best i can RIGHT NOW. And if the best you can is eat cookie dough and watch tv... IT'S OKAY! Tomorrow is a new day! Don't fret, you are not alone. I love you Suzie, and think you are doing an amazing job! Wish we were in the same ward again, and that we could get to know each other better. But know i am here for you, and you are in my thoughts. xo-Calli
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteI can soooo relate to feeling less cool when you read other peoples blogs, happens to me. My sis-in-law used to have a cleaning and organization blog where she posted pictures of her kids drinking green smoothies and talked about cleaning out the insides of her vents. Couldn't help but feel inferior. I finally deleted it from my blog list because I couldn't look at it and not feel inferior, and I decided I wasn't being fair to me to put myself in that situation. My sister said that she's had times where she had to ban herself from the computer altogether because she knew it was making her depressed. Not that you should ban yourself from your computer, because I like reading you posts :) I'm just saying your not alone. And like you said, you still have a NEWBORN, messy houses will happen. I now get a full nights sleep every night and I still spend my days walking on crunched up cheerios.
ReplyDeleteOK, so my doula put it in this sort of perspective: women used to have huge communities of women around them who helped care for kiddos and stuff, for a long time after Baby was born. Now we're so numerous, but so isolated... some women really do have an easier time getting back into the swing of things, but not MOST women. We weren't designed to be doing *everything* in life in the first place as mortals, let alone shortly after Baby's birth!
ReplyDeleteMy sister used the word "newborn-ish" to describe that uniquely-hectic period after Baby's arrival - and there's no standard, official end to it, either, LOL. We are all SO different; I've taken a long time to really recover, and I'm still recovering. Some PPD, too, but it's generally getting better. (And you know what? The more women I talk to, the more women I learn have or had it... like, everyone so far - and I had no idea before. How's that for "not alone"?) It helps me to have a firm commitment that gets me out of the house during the week - as hectic as it is, spending time on something fun outside the house, especially with other women, helps keep me moving.
And we are all so DIFFERENT. :)
I keep telling myself to remember that the super-woman I've cobbled together from all of everyone's most noteworthy (alert! = Not typical!) experiences that they felt like sharing online is NOT an individual. And even when I find one extraordinarily productive individual I think I should be more like, that's ONE - not a hundred. Blogging kind of self-selects to people who have time to do it, too, so that's something else to keep in mind.
Anyway, you are SO not alone; and pancakes are an accomplishment, even for dinner! :) Yay for warm food! ;) (We're still kind of in the "want to get a pizza or raid the fridge to cobble something together?" stage, LOL...)
BTW, I LOVE Mindy Gledhill, too - just love her. Her music is uniquely soulful...
Oh Suz. You have no idea how many women, me included, who think of you and admire you. Your courage to be honest, your talents, your love for your family, and much MUCH more. I think all of us can relate to wondering if we are good people, wives, and mothers. We look back at a part of our lives and think that maybe we were a "better" person then. But we were just different. Things will get better. We just have to learn new ways to see our lives. I see 3 beautiful children, who love their mom.
ReplyDeleteSuzie, I think your awesome and I love reading your blog!
ReplyDeleteI remember those days of chaos when the kids were young like yours, and I was going through lots of depression. I guess my advice is to remember you can't do everything and to give yourself permission to only do the best you can do and leave the rest. I always figured that the most important thing was to keep the kids fed (pancakes for dinner works), clothed (stripes with plaids and a little stained works), and generally happy (lots of hugs and snuggle time worked wonders). Because of my past, the emotional health of my kids was foremost in my mind and more important than anything else. The house was a mess, but as long as it wasn't making us sick we were fine. I loved how President Hinckley took the pressure off when he would tell us to be just a little bit better each day. Small steps is really the only way to go.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. This will pass, and then you'll start having wonderful mommy moments when the kids thank you for all you've done.